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Monday, 14 December 2009

  • He leaned over, his eyes boring into mine and said, " Every other girl has lost her color, you're the only girl that I can see. You're the only one in color for me."

     

    "Wow", I said, raising both eybrows, "That's probably one of the best complements anyone has ever given me."

Sunday, 13 December 2009

  • Falling pieces

    Sharp darkness pierces
    I am a thunderbolt silenced
    a heartbeat flatlined
    I am a sleepy coffee

    And only shaky volatility
    can soften the edges
    of my trickling rage...

  • The End ( A very short, and vague, story)


    The air was growing cold as the sun set far away on the horizon. Too far away. It let the air chill me to the bone. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, willing myself to retain warmth. Wearing only a sweater and jeans, it was almost impossible.

    I began to walk again and my shoes made soggy crunching sounds in the dry leaves that littered the sidewalk. I found this sound almost pleasurable against the quietness of the ending of such a day. It was the only hint of pleasure I felt at this moment. A car drove up the street and drove by in slow motion. I could barely hear it and did not care to turn and watch it. I was almost shivering, but I didn't care. There was nothing to hurry for.

    I felt a lump in my throat, and decided to change the subject in my head. A dog barked way off in the distance, and I  thought, "Do dogs always sound that sorrowful?" Suddenly I realized I had stopped walking and was standing motionless, staring into the darkening sky. A shiver took hold but I was so far removed from the cold, and from myself, I could only feel it as if it were a memory. A vaguely unpleasant, fuzzy memory.

    I looked down the street that I lived on. It seemed so long and cold. I remembered the day we had moved in, so sunny and happy. Ok, time to change the subject again. Darkness was reaching its icy fingers out now. I could see my breath in the air, coming out in puffs of steam. Funny, I felt as cold as the earth around me, and I still had white clouds coming from my breath.

    The daylight was all but gone, and I had not made it home yet. In fact, I had only gone about 100 feet since I waved goodbye to the dying sun. Now it was just me and the cold darkness. I felt a drop hit my hand and thought, " Great! It's raining again.." But I realized that it had come from my face. I hadn't realized that I had been crying. The lump in my throat was back, and I began to walk a little faster.

    The house loomed ahead of me, dark and hollow. I stood at the gate, not wanting to go into that empty darkness. The tears were coming now, but I couldn't feel them...I couldn't feel anything any more. There was nobody else in that house. Nobody needing me to listen, or wanting me to help. Nobody to tell how I felt. I numbly walked through the gate, and down the walk. I touched the doorknob and twisted. The end came too quickly, and I was ready now.

Wednesday, 02 December 2009

  • Too sad and too pathetic

    I would say I'm depressed, but it feels like a cop-out.

    I'm stuck in my room, but yet I don't want to leave. I am supposed to get out and do something...go to the gym, go hang out with friends....just something. But instead, I find myself unable to leave the cage I am creating. I have little energy and an overall negative outlook that I just cannot seem to get over, no matter how I try.

    And he doesn't understand. In fact, he's pretty sick of it. I keep hoping he'll become the sweet, understanding, sympathetic person that I used to know. But somehow I only seem to irritate and push him away further. Why is it that when we really need someone to hold onto, we seem to push them away? Maybe I'm asking too much.

    I am usually extremely stubborn, so once I put my mind to something, I can keep it up. I decided to just give him space, but here's how that's playing out:

    I am sad a lot of the time, and would love for someone to notice. But instead, since I try not to draw attention to how sad I am at any given time, I find myself being ignored. It's almost like he's saying, "Thank GOD I don't have to deal with ANOTHER discussion about sadness", or "I really hope she doesn't say anything so I can keep doing what I'm doing." And that makes me fall even deeper. As though all this sadness is easy to overlook, and ignore. I am abandoned, with him in the room...I am alone.

    The sad part is that I understand where he's coming from. I've felt those things with others. I found myself thinking, "Why can't you just snap out of it and get up and go out!?" And I would love to change how I feel. I try every day and have good moments, but it seems something always jumps out to stab the sadness and frustration back into my soul.

    The worst part is, I see no end in sight. There is no light that I can see. I feel like I can't get out of this situation. No matter if I can feel better by going to the gym or eating right...we'll still be in this situation and it's still going to suck.

    Would be nice to have someone to share things with. Even if I don't know who you are, at least I'd know someone is listening, and someone cares.


Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • These Days

    These days,

    we have to weigh our options
    take the lesser of evils
    pick which has the least negative possibilities

    These days,

    I feel like staying in my room
    just so I don't have to deal
    with other people's misguided anger

    These days,

    tears come often
    it's just another day
    of not much opportunity

    These days,

    it's hard to see the light
    at the end
    of the hypothetical tunnel

    These days,

    I try to stay positive
    when there's too much negative
    and so much hopelessness

    These days,

    I cannot breathe
    I cannot think
    I can't get away


    I've gotta get out of here.

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stargzr

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  • Humbled by the cold, aged light from stars of so many years ago. Perspective is forced on those problems that now seem so small, and again I smile, thanking the moon.

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